Happy Friday! Only 41 days 15 hours and 30 minutes left to go.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke just announced that he is going to be in the Illinois Valley for the IV/BF event. It seems that Old Ben (As he is affectionately known in some circles) is hoping to to figure out if there is a connection between snow globes, batteries, remote controlled cars, mixed nuts, pot o' gold, smoked sausage, Tide in little bottles, screw drivers, and the economy. A recent study funded by the Americans for a Better Snow Globe, has shown that the sales of these items increases exponentially every Black Friday. The $5 million study has found that there may be, might be, could be, but we are not quite sure, a connection between the increased sale of these items and the weather. YT has just learned that, a container ship carrying batteries, remote controlled cars and trucks, and little bottles of Tide mysteriously sank in the North Pacific yesterday. No survivors were found. Curious? More on this later.
WalMart has announced a new plan for Black Friday shopping. The mega-retailer has long expressed alarm at the growing girth of its shoppers. Last year for the first time, Walmart allowed shoppers into the store before the Door Buster goods were available for sale. It was hoped that in doing so, WalMart shoppers, who average a hefty 362 lbs each and have incontinence issues would be less inclined to trample fellow shoppers on their way to the Door Buster Deals and then to the checkout before hitting the Bathroom. The plan led to less deaths by stampede, but more problems with people having heart attacks caused by holding in their pee so long. This year WalMart will insist that all early bird shoppers must be fitted with a catheter. Those people who chose not to do this will be tethered to a treadmill in the sporting goods area and made to run at least 5 miles in place to prove their worthiness to get the $299.00 laptop that is being offered. It is hoped that this will tire out Early Birds enough to avoid trampling each other to death. YT is not sure how this will work, but applauds Wally for the effort.
In what may be a related matter, word has leaked, no pun intended, that Gap spin-off Old Navy is planning on offering a new version of its famous yoga pants with a built in pocket on the inside right leg that is designed to hold a catheter bottle. The super stretchy pants code named "The Dixie" are Old Navy's first foray into the plus, plus, plus size market. Expected to go on sale at Halloween, they are only available in black and will come in 2 versions, "Really Big Butt" and the larger, triple stitched, double crotch, "Dixie M" version. The pants have been field tested and are rated for up to 6000 pbp (pounds of butt pressure). They also feature a new odor control system called "stink be gone". This sounds very
promising.
The Coffee King Starbucks, ever the marketing genius, has announce today that they will begin selling coffee and other Starbucks beverages to those people that are waiting in line for their local Starbucks to open at 5 AM. the "pre-sales" of coffee will begin at 4 AM. No mention was made of the sale of pastries or other items. YT thinks that this is shear genius. Who doesn't need a caffeine fix while waiting in line for their caffeine fix?
More news as I make it up...
Cheers
Del Griffith
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