55

Black Friday Patrol 9-30-2011 Just 55 days and counting down
The Parking Lot


I was on Google Earth recently checking out the parking lot of the Peru Mall. Based on my high-resolution pictures, it a clear that we should look to park on the Eastside of the building this year. I have noticed several spots of bad pavement on the west (Bergner’s) side. I don’t want any repeats of the Mackenzie Barron “Oops I blew out a heel” incident of 2002. As we all recall, that one nearly cost us a spot in line for the Mall gift bags. As I am sure everyone remembers 2002 was the year of the buy one get one ½ off coupon at Hickory Farms. I don’t care who you are; half price sausage is still half price sausage. Add a little spicy mustard, a few Town House crackers, and you have yourself a feast.

Anyway back to the parking lot. I was reviewing the plat of survey for the Mall and noticed that the lot is also slightly pitched to the south at that pint. While this may seem trivial to you, it means that the early morning sun on the 25th of November should be at precisely the right spot to show off Maureen’s dead sexy high def sunglasses as she opens the trunk of the car after round one of the festivities. These things are important people. Style matters. Let’s think about this one. If you look really fabulous in a parking lot at 6:30 AM and no one sees it, are you still really fabulous? I say hell yes! Ask Rory about that one. She still parks her car as far away as she needs to, to turn the most heads. Is that wrong? Maybe but it is still mostly harmless.

Anyway back to the lousy parking lot. The South end of the lot remains off limits to us as the whole “You never buy anything from Sears” thing has reared its ugly head again. I had hoped that the Kenzie “monster cable” purchase of 2009 would have smoothed things over a bit. I was wrong. It seems that Mark’s stunning “Sears battery charge is cheaper at K-Mart” observation may have been the reason for the “No Fly Zone” around Sears. You would think that K-Mart would give them a heads up. I still have the image of Maureen and I standing in line at K-Mart at 5:50 AM 3 years ago in the snow and cold, to get the precious “Pot O’ Gold”. Talk about your Gollum moment. “I need my Precious” Pot o’ Gold, it’s a worse habit than Crystal Meth!

Anyway, back to the stinking parking lot. The East side lot will offer the most options for us. From that vantage point, we can see the flames licking their way up the sides of Staples as the cash registers ignite under the load of 3 transactions a minute. The contrast between the rising sun and the curling smoke is stunning. And I am told if you look closely you can see the line actually moving at Menard’s. And lets face it, when I think Menard’s, I think of flat panel TV’s, Men’s clothing and Mixed Nuts. Now when I think GPS, I think………wait for it ……here it comes……When I think GPS, I think CVS!

Anyway, back to the stupid no good park lot. It is much easier to get into Penney’s for the damn snow globe that we missed last year for the first time in 10 years. And let’s look at why that was. Who in their right mind, would get up at 3:33 AM, to stand in line at Penney’s, to get a snow globe at 4:00 AM. Penney’s is on the cusp of elimination anyway. Last years rebate…what rebate? Who ever mentioned a rebate? I don’t recall any rebate being offered on that product. You must have us confused with Benney’s. I think they had the rebate and the snow globes. Yea that’s it… Benney’s. They’re over in Princeton right by the WalMark. I personally draw the line 4:00 AM to stand in line at 4:30 to get Pot O’ Gold at K-Mart at 6:00 AM but that is a different story. I am always torn between Breg’s at 3, Penney’s at 4, and K-Mart at 5, Big Lots at 5:30 or sleeping until 6.
Kohl’s on the other hand is a horse of a different color. The whole Kohl’s, WalMart, Starbuck’s triangle is fraught with peril. Ever since Kelly left Kohl’s, she’s been stalked by the, “Ghost of Discounts Past”. I have heard that in an effort to get her back to Kohl’s, they have offered to put her face back on the $5 Kohl’s Cash Bill. And WalMart, well that one is a topic for another day.

Anyway back to the damn stinkin’ parking lot. The high def satellite feed shows that we have 55 days and a few hours to get this worked out. And then there’s the whole Marshall’s thing to discuss and we haven’t even really talked about CVS. Hey when I think GPS, I think CVs! Then there is the whole streaming Blue ray player thing at Walgreen’s. When I think, Blue Ray I think HooRay for Walgreen’s. Wow that is catchy little phrase. Do you think I should register it? And then there is the whole Dollar Tree/Dollar General thing. More on that later!

Anyway….